An Experiment

What’s it like to not know if the Pancreatic Cancer is gone or back? This post chronicles the emotional rollercoaster ride in real time.

Photo of a White-tailed Tropicbird (Longtail) at Powell Cay, Bahamas by Greg Frucci, 2024

Part Five: Reality Strikes

9/16/2025 Tuesday: Tomorrow, September 17th, I get scanned to see if the cancer is gone or still hanging out.

I'd be lying and swirling around in false bravado if I said that I'm not in fear. I am a tad bit...ok...more than a tad. Regardless, it is what it is. And I'm just gonna roll with it. I can acknowledge the fear and kick it in the garage at the same time.

The experiment is this: I’m writing about my cancer journey both today, before the scan, and tomorrow, after I find out the results. I want to measure my emotions. Why? Because I see it helping my emotional healing process, which may assist someone else in the future who is going through their own cancer journey.

I wish to approach life with the same grace as an Avian. That's my goal now. For now, I'm going to concentrate on the one Avian, which has had the most impact upon my Soul…the White-tailed Tropicbirds (Longtails).

I call them Longtails as I was taught to refer to them back in 2011 when I sailed alone to Bermuda and back from North Carolina. I am thinking about that journey now because it almost killed me. The cancer could do the same. Only God knows the final answer to that question.

So, I am approaching life with the acknowledgment of the fear in my head and the love in my heart. Both are present now. Fear and love. It’s such an odd combination. Yet, that’s where I am now in my thinking.

Long exposure photograph of the sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean by Greg Frucci, 2025

9/17/2025 early Wednesday morning: Long exposure shots like the one above require patience.

Set on a carefully leveled tripod, I set the timer to ten seconds. The shutter may stay open for thirty seconds, depending on many factors, including artistic ones. Sure, it's only less than a minute, but in the moment, time slows while every second is felt in its fullness.

So, yeah... patience.

Later this afternoon, I get scanned to see what's up with the cancer. A new day is here again. I'm pretty sure I'll feel some emotional response after I get the call regarding the results. Right now, I feel nothing. I suppose that's a good thing. No expectations.

9/17/2025 early Wednesday evening after dinner: Nothing. I wonder if I’ll be able to sleep tonight. I do feel oddly comfortable, though, as if it’s no big deal. Perhaps it isn’t. Time is definitely creeping by slowly now. I keep checking my phone to see if I’ve missed any notifications. I haven’t. I’m going to bed.

9/18/2025 early Thursday morning: I slept like a baby last night as if my parents were protecting me like when I was actually a baby. I did have some weird dreams that I cannot remember the details of…just that feeling of weirdness that I get sometimes. Perhaps you do as well.

My phone keeps dinging with notifications, all of which revolve around the same question: Have you heard anything yet, Greg?

I haven’t. Normally, all of those notifications from others would have bothered me. I’m an introvert and live alone. I used to prefer that. I say used to because now I love it when someone checks on me…and that is very weird. It took almost sixty-five years for that to happen? Apparently so.

9/18/2025 midday Thursday: I haven’t heard anything from my doctor yet. I don’t know if I still have cancer in me or not. I suppose the PET Scan is just a best guess anyway, regardless of what it shows. I gotta get it off my mind. I’m going to the beach soon and going for a swim in the ocean, followed by a long walk along the waterline. Maybe I’ll find some shark’s teeth…I usually do, the beaches here are filled with them.

Photograph of a Royal Tern flying by Greg Frucci, 2025

In a way, I feel like the flying Royal Tern in the photo above, which I shot a couple of weeks ago, is a bit like me. Free, yes, but still tied to the earth when tired. So now, I’m looking for a place to land. I see my companion nearby and wish to land there. Hopefully, I will not disturb the others as I set my feet upon the ground once more.

Patience is required of me now. I suppose patience is always necessary in anything we do as humans. I’m no different than anyone or anything living…including the Royal Tern looking for a place to land.

I’m going to the beach and will swim in the ocean. Maybe go on a shark tooth walk after.

Shark tooth from walk.

9/18/2020 late Thursday afternoon: Had a fantastic swim and shark tooth walk a few hours ago. I found several shark’s teeth. Here is one of them, located /above or to the right, depending on your device.

Less than an hour after I got back home, I got a call from the cancer center to schedule an office visit. They wouldn't tell me anything about yesterday's PET scan results because they are not supposed to share them over the phone, and I understand. They told me that my doctor is off tomorrow; otherwise, they would have scheduled me for the same day.

The appointment is scheduled for this coming Monday at 9:15 AM. It's gonna be a long weekend. No, I’m not thrilled with it, but there is nothing I can do. The only thing that I can change is my attitude. So, I will, even though it isn’t an easy task. Is the cancer gone? Do I need more chemo? So many questions swirling in my head right now. Answers exist, but I do not have access to them yet.

Dangit, I was hoping to publish this blog post today. I want to record the entire process, so I’ll wait until this phase of waiting is over, which will hopefully be Monday after the appointment.

9/19/2025 early Friday evening: Memories of specific events from my past keep popping into my mind without warning. Some are pretty disturbing.

9/22/2025, early Monday morning: I'm feeling a mix of emotions right now. Emotions are all over the place. My appointment with my doctor to go over the test results is in two hours.

9/23/2025, early Tuesday morning: Yesterday, my birthday, was an intense day. I didn't feel much like writing anything.

I met with my doctor to discuss the results of the PET scan from last Wednesday.

The cancer is back—new small tumors on my liver.

This morning I have an MRI scheduled. They did more blood tests yesterday while I was there. My doctor wants to do a biopsy on the tumors.

When I asked how long I have, she said about six months.

I wondered if that was a real thing — the dreaded "six months.” It is.

After I found all that out, someone I trust reached out to me out of the blue. Someone I haven't spoken with in almost ten years. He said he felt compelled to tell me about an alternative medicine place in Montana. I booked a trip for October 4-16. Why not? Even if nothing comes of it from a medical perspective, I'll still have an awesome trip.

I've never been to Montana. Montana State University in Bozeman was my fallback choice for architecture school. Had I not been accepted into Carnegie Mellon University, I would have gone to Montana as a bright-eyed teenager. Now, I'm going as...well... anyway.

Plus, as a bonus to my soul, I'll be hanging out with an old friend from my CMU architecture school days after I finish up my healing sessions in the mountains. Scott and his wife live near Bozeman.

I feel a freedom coming...

I've lived an incredible life...

I am at peace with all of it.

Long Exposure Photograph of the Sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean in Florida by Greg Frucci, 2025