The Space in Between

Being in the place of knowing and not knowing can be both wonderful and the opposite.

Ethereral Tides, a long exposure photograph by Greg Frucci, 2025

Part Four: The Unknown

I Rang The Bell last week.

It’s what you do when you complete chemotherapy or any series of cancer treatments. It is a symbolic tradition in the cancer world that I didn’t really give a crap about when I first began chemotherapy in November 2024. Being told that I have Pancreatic Cancer was like getting punched in the throat, and it was all I could think about.

I remember sitting in the cancer center with the poison pumping into my body during one of my first chemo treatments, when an individual rang the little bell. Other patients and the staff cheered and clapped. I joined in and clapped only because I felt like giving respect to another human. I didn’t understand the meaning at the time. All I could think about was my own cancer, and I didn’t care much about anything else. Call me selfish, but I was scared out of my mind.

I rang the bell for completing all of my treatments last week. Not just the two separate rounds of chemotherapy, but the almost five-hour surgery, and the radiation treatments in between the two rounds of chemo. All of which lasted from November 2024 to late August 2025, which, as I write, was last week.

Now, I’m done… if the cancer is gone.

I was thrilled last week to complete something that was both mentally and physically challenging. I still am thrilled about finishing. I cried with joy as I rang the bell. Yet, there is a space inside of me that seems empty right now. It is hard to put my finger on the exact feeling. Emptyness is all that comes to me.

As I write this piece, I am in a place where I know I have done all I can to eliminate the cancer. But without tests/scans, I do not know if the cancer is really gone. I find myself in a state of uncertainty, between knowing and not knowing. Void…there’s another word to describe the feeling.

Do I continue to celebrate?

Do I push it all down and forget about it until I get scanned and see the results?

Or, do I just go about my days, allowing myself to think about it from time to time and attempt not to worry about any specific outcome? Basically, acknowledge where I am in time, but do not get attached to any expectations about what may or may not happen?

I’m gonna go with the latter. I am going to make the most of each day, regardless of what the future holds. That is the positive path that I will travel. I desire to walk forward in Love.

And yet still, I wonder.

I will be scanned soon. I don’t know exactly when, just that it will happen.

I exist within the space in between.

Long exposure sunrise photograph of a man fishing by Greg Frucci 2025.